Worksop 2028: What would the Olympics be like in our town?

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The later stages of the Rio Olympics got me thinking what the Games would be like if they were held not in one of the great cities of the world, but in our town.

Worksop 2028 has quite a ring to it, don’t you think?

But of course some of the events would have to be altered slightly to encourage local involvement.

Usain Bolt may be the undisputed fastest man on the planet, but your average Worksop scroat could outpace him if they were being pursued by a PCSO and carrying a set of stolen power tools.

Team GB have totally dominated events in the velodrome at Rio, but the likes of Laura Trott and Jason Kenny might not be quite so so peerless if they had to ride their bicycles in the time-honoured Worksop fashion.

Which is topless, on a stolen granny’s bike, along the pavement while chugging down a can of super-strength lager.

Our diving stars and swimming heroes have also put on a decent display, but if Worksop was the venue events would have to be tweaked.

If you dived into any lake or pond in Worksop you’d have a 90 per cent chance of banging your head on a dumped shopping trolley.

And any attempt to swim down the canal or River Ryton would be likely to end in tears.

Jamaica and the USA aren’t easy to defeat in a sprint relay - but swap the baton for a stash of Black Mamba and a Worksop team would get it around Manton quicker.

And then we come to the medal ceremony.

This will also have to be tweaked to take account of local customs and sensibilities.

Hang any piece of expensive metal around a Worksopian and they’re likely to immediately leg it down the road to the pawn shop before the national anthem has even started.