Even being a coma won't let you escape from Brexit talk

It’s nice to find the good news stories in a landscape of otherwise negative stories, writes Steve N Allen.

Thursday, 25th April 2019, 2:00 pm
Updated Thursday, 25th April 2019, 2:21 pm
Steve N Allen

Last week, we heard of a woman who has woken from a coma after 27 years.

Obviously it’s still early days but let’s hope that she goes on to live a life she enjoys.

She had been taken to several hospitals and specialists including one in the UK during her coma.

Now she has to catch up with all she has missed since 1992.

That was the year that Bill Clinton became the American President.

You’d have to tell her what he did and when she was shocked you’d have to say, ‘oh, you wait till you hear about the recent one’.

Until she’s caught up, she’s likely to make some social errors, like saying how much she liked OJ Simpson or call a radio station and request a Rolf Harris song.

Some of it would be great, like discovering the sitcom Friends for the very first time.

Some of it would be less fun, like having to watch the third season of Lost.

She has so many firsts ahead of her that we have all experienced and forgotten.

She’ll get to see someone using a Bluetooth device and cross the street because she thinks they’re talking to themselves.

I know what you’re thinking – what will she think when she hears about Brexit?

Well, some people think that when you’re in a coma you can still hear and if she’s been in the UK even briefly someone is bound to have gone on and on about Brexit to her.

Trust me, she already knows.

New research has found that men are dirtier than dogs.

That sounds like new research from your best friend Lisa who is going through a pretty nasty divorce right now but it’s actually science.

A new study has found beards carry a significantly higher amount of bacteria compared to a dog’s fur.

I was about to say, ‘what makes that even worse is that you kiss your man on his mouth’.

But then I remembered, dog owners also let their pets lick their face.

And you know what the dog will also have been licking within the last 24 hours.

Scientists took swabs from the beards of 18 male subjects and the necks of 30 dogs of different breeds.

I don’t know how they did that – maybe they gave them some meat to keep them busy?

I think I’m talking about the dogs there, but I can’t be sure.

When the results were compared, all of the beards were found to have a high microbial count compared to only 23 out of 30 of the dog swabs.

That doesn’t sound great for blokes but it’s only one test.

I imagine the scores would be reversed if the test was to find out how many clean themselves by dragging themselves along the carpet – I remember what the flat-share at university was like.

Seven subjects’ beards had bacteria considered harmful to human health - that’s just beard shaming.

When I’m not filming I sometimes grow a beard, and it’s not nice to have to deal with beard-related bullying.

‘You could just wash more’ I hear you say.

Now you’re just talking nonsense.