Am I an extra in hellish film?

I AM beginning to feel like an extra in some kind of Apocalyptic dystopian fable, where the end of humankind is but a gnat’s wing-waft away.

There are people stumbling around the office with eyes streaming, skin flaking off and coughs like rabid hounds – and they’re the healthy ones.

Then as I daydreamed the news conference away my ears suddenly pricked up to hear that Worksop’s Victoria Care Home was forced into a 28 Days Later – style ‘complete lockdown’ as some voracious virus ran amok amongst the old duffers.

And now I’m being told that swine flu cases are on the increase faster than the last time the epidemic hit us, but why is nobody saying anything?

Has this bug been released upon us by the Coalition Government? I can see it now: “We’ll up VAT so that they’ve got no money for food or heating – they’ll have to spend it all on petrol – then we’ll sell off a load of care homes, then we’ll unleash an as yet unheard of killer pandemic. That way we’ll kill off thousands of vulnerable, sick and needy leeches on society, and reduce costs to the state.”

Well, I think stage one of the plan is in full swing.