AA Grundi: Worksop is no stranger to dangerous big birds

Big bird has been tracked down.
Big bird has been tracked down.

I don’t know about you but I had that ‘bee-beep’ noise from the cartoon Roadrunner in my head all last week.

There was an escaped big bird on the loose and Worksop folk were loving it.

At first I thought it was a joke. Or Notts Police trying to divert attention from certain recent difficulties by making something ridiculous up.

After all Worksop is hardly brimming with exotic animals is it? A mangy pigeon with a limp on Bridge Street is normally the height of ornithological interest around here.

Once it had become clear this was no hoax I first found it hilarious - until I read up and discovered the facts about this massive bird called a rhea.

They can grow up to six-feet and weight over four stone, run at speeds of up to 40mph and can kill a man with a single blow.

I read on after closing all the doors and windows and taping up the cat-flap.

They have six-inch claws on their feet and enormous wings that are used in courtship, mating and aggressive displays - though they can’t actually fly, which seems a bit lazy.

If cornered they’re more than happy to go for your eyes with their beaks.

And apparently they’re ‘increasingly common’ in the UK as pets! Bless them...

So what should I do if confronted with this giant killer bird in the Canch.

Apparently you’re supposed to either grab them by the neck or lie down flat and pretend to be dead.

The latter of which is actually my default approach whenever confronted by any giant Worksop bird.

Fortunately my sleep wasn’t disturbed too much - as it was tracked down a few days later near Hodsock Priory. Thankfully the bird was unharmed by its close encounter with Worksop. The fact it wasn’t caught, turned into burgers and scoffed suggests we’re losing our touch around here...