Am I the only one who really worries about the future of the scroats who live in our town?
I do nothing but give them my words of wisdom and persuade Mrs Grundi to give them a second chance.
I’m always badgering her to make her see sense. I wish she could be more positive like me.
Whilst carrying out my daily charity work, which I never talk about, and helping old ladies across the road, I am constantly singing the praises of you lot.
But I can only do so much.
Just when I think we’ve turned a corner, that things can only get better, I scroll through my millions of followers on Twitter to see this.
Now, as you know, I’m not the biggest fan of ‘selfies’ or people live tweeting their morning trip to the job centre. But this takes the biscuit, Worksop.
I thought the ‘Special Brew tree’ that found its roots here was an all time low. Oh how I was wrong.
It’s not often I feel sorry for ‘celebrities’. But what must that Gogglebox, whatever that is, vicar Kate Bottley have thought when she stumbled across a man pushing his mountain bike with a can of Special Brew in the drinks holder.
At first I was fuming with her. How dare she criticise my people. I mean our people. I’m the only one allowed to do that.
Could it be a revolutionary new idea that we are all missing out on? Or has this bloke really lost the plot?
What would have happened if he had knocked over poor old council leader Simon Greaves in his smart suit?
To be fair, I could see it catching on in the Tour de France. Imagine Froomey climbing the Alps whilst he necks a can of super strength lager.
Now that would make me watch the race.
As the vicar said, Worksop - you have a ‘charm’ of your own.