Water joke – it’s a drought

I’M very worried about my mental wellbeing (so am I - Ed).

I think I have started to have delusions and hallucinations.

I must be seeing things that just aren’t there.

Such as the tens of thousands of litres of water flowing down the River Ryton, and the lush green fields that surround Worksop.

And all that rain we had last week, I must have imagined that too.

But we have been told this week that we’re in the middle of a harsh drought, so I can’t possibly have seen the things I have described above.

What I am really seeing, but which my disturbed mind, for whatever reason, is simply unable to process, is a parched and desolate landscape, where nearly all flora and fauna has been obliterated by the unforgiving drought.

A place where the local women trek for miles in the searing heat to the nearest well to collect what scant and precious water there is.

THIS is what a real drought is.

Don’t believe the balderdash the blathering buffoons at the Environment Agency are currently peddling.

This isn’t a drought. So why all the panic?

Why the hosepipe bans?

I’d like to see one of these so-called ‘experts’ try and stop me using my hosepipe.

They’d have more chance of getting a vegan to eat a bacon cob.

I have immaculate lawns and Lady Grundi’s flower beds to tend to.

Not to mention a beautiful Bentley to keep pristine and gleaming.

I will put my hospepipe down for no man.

And hell will freeze over before I share a bath with anyone.

We’ve got PLENTY of water. We’re surrounded by it.

We’ve got the North Sea to the east, the English Channel to the south, and the Atlantic and Irish Sea to the west and north.

Not to mention the fact it teems it down with rain every other day.

Following hot on the heels of the hosepipe ban was the news that water canon would be used to quell future riots in the UK.

Imagine if all the keen gardeners of the UK united, and took the streets to protest this ridiculous ban, only to be repelled by water canon.

How ironic would that be?

If we can’t use our hosepipes then the cops shouldn’t be using water canon on rioters.

They should use rubber bullets, or even real bullets on rioters instead.

But that’s another matter.