In the throes of a mid-life crisis and hoyed onto the scrapheap by their philandering lothario of a husband, they seek refuge in reaffirming their youth.

To do this they bedeck themselves in a swag bag full of rhoduim-plated monkey metal passing itself off as jewellery. Add a cooper's barrel of fake tan. Hitch-up their hemlines. Dunk their heads in a bowl brimming with bleach - the toilet bowl in some cases. Then, with a splash of Eau de Menopause, it's off out on the town in search of a willing victim.

I remember the first time it happened to me. I was about 21. The woman, at least I think it was a woman, looked something like a brown Touche Turtle.

In fact, I think she was on the verge of fossilizing. Had you cut her in half there would probably have been a neolithic grub set in stone lying within.

My initial reaction was to run into the toilets and ring my mum. I was petrified that this human black widow of a predator was going to devour me whole.

And all this rambling brings me on to the Volvo C30, but more specifically, the Volvo C30 R-Design.

You see, Volvo has never been your racy woman-of-the-night type. A Volvo thinks promiscuity is a French cheese.

That was until the formerly Swedish marque decided the time was right to swap the zimmerframe for the dancefloor.

By its own admission the grandmother of the motoring world has its sights set firmly on 'youthful and sporty drivers'. So beware, there's a grandma on the prowl.

Only, this one is not so easy to spot. The accessories aren't cheap tat bought from Skeggy market. She's botoxed up on Harley Street.

Two-tone leather interior, chunky sports steering wheel, jazzy electric blue dials and that floating centre console all make for a premium feel.

The C30 1.8-litre R-Design I drove very much looked the part. It also handled superbly well, owing in part to its Ford Focus DNA. But at nigh on £20,000, I was expecting the full fat hot hatch experience, not a grandma with a face-lift.

You can't imagine how frustrating it is to have a gun in your hand that you're convinced could blow Dirty Harry into next week, only for it to emit a clown-like 'arrooooga' when you pull the trigger.

The powerplant just doesn't deliver. I had to give it six of the best just get it looking like it was going to stir into action.

Fair enough, Volvo make cars that will save your life if you crash into a Tiger Tank, and as such come with the requisite additional weight, but boy does it show here.

A car that is addressed to the 'youthful and sporty' is not going to sell if it is not just that, and 0-60mph in 10.2 seconds is neither youthful nor sporty. That is not to say other models in the range can't bridge this gap.

For example, the 2-litre diesel incarnation will offer up similar fuel figures (38mpg for the 1.8-litre), but a 0-60mph time of 8.8 seconds.

And of course there is always the Focus ST based stonker of the 220bhp T5.

It seems then, that Volvo aren't aiming this car at sporty kids. Sporty kids don't have £20,000 knocking about in their piggy banks. It is in fact marketed at the young-at-heart. Those who want to feel young but have the shrewdness to opt for a car with a low insurance rating, good fuel economy and strong residuals.

In essence, the R-Design is an alcohol free cocktail. It looks intoxicating, but the end result is a rather sobering experience.